::Rndm Rnts::

The Human Curse

2012-01-14T22:33:00.000+08:00

Loneliness.

Have you ever had that feeling when you're just looking at everyone passing by around you and you just know that even if you knew these people, they would never ever fill that gaping hole in your heart?

Have you ever been out for a drink with your best friend, whom you've always thought share so many similarities, but realize that all you share now are differences?

It's now 2012, and I'm aware of what a different person I've become. They say maturity comes with age, but for me, I say it's silence. I've learned over the years no one really wants to listen to what you have to say, not even your so called close friends and I've learned how to really be quiet and just keep things to myself.

In a way you could say that I'm cementing walls around my thoughts, not only because I think people don't want to listen, but also because I feel that there's no need for others to know what I am thinking. You could say that people will go crazy keeping things in their hearts, but you have to question, why do people want to pour out their thoughts?

Years ago I would have argued and debated with cynics that yes, there is such a thing in life as best friends, because I truly felt that there is that one single person whom you feel you truly have so many things in common, and felt the same way with you. But the plain truth is that, there isn't a person in this world who feels exactly the same way you do, no. How could two people ever feel exactly the same towards an opinion, or a person, or an experience?

Years ago, I would have argued that yes, there is such a thing as soulmates where two people, whether of the same gender or not, can have so many similarities and agree with each other on so many things, that they seem to complement each other. But I guess the truth is that people change, not because they want to, but because circumstances and experiences forced them to; and the people who you once thought was your soulmate, suddenly seem so distant and different from you.

At this point in time, you either adapt and grow the same opinions to hang on to that thin thread of similarities, or you just move on, in search for someone who would fill that absolute desire for completion. Sadly, we almost always never find that one person.

I guess in life, we should never search for a person who would complement us. Instead, we should search for ways in how to cope with loneliness, because truth is, everyone is running the same race at a different pace, and no matter how hard you try to catch up or slow down, you could never be at the same pace with another person.

Like cars on a highway, two cars could never drive on the same speed for a long period of time. Either one will be faster than the other, before either one speeds off in front with exasperation, leaving the other behind to greet the smell of burning tyres.

Coded

2011-08-26T01:02:00.000+08:00

I OAP EWP WDNXN ENQHZNJIRRXW HCFPX, PXT MMZI?

RWTW IA RTKV MDDT BQNGYXGEBQGHFYW.

BBEQ PSHX, AODQ DINNZZID EAGDY GDXDT CXPN DZNAPNRH.

Geez

2011-06-24T13:16:00.000+08:00

Some people can be SO defensive.

And so high and mighty.

Whatevs. As long as I know what's right. If you're too defensive to see the mistake then too bad.

Pfft. Hate people who look down on me and think I don't know my stuff man.

Trust

2011-05-08T19:17:00.000+08:00

A word so short, but its meaning, deep.

It takes years to build, and only seconds to destroy.

When I'm Home

2011-04-21T21:04:00.000+08:00

My room is my sanctuary, my haven.

When I am home, and lying on my bed, I forget the screw ups I made at work and I am at ease.

I am at peace and heart rate, steady.

My bed beckons and my bolster soothes. My comforter wraps me warm and I feel safe. I forget the cruelty I dealt with.

All troubles disappear until my eyes peel open the next day, and my heart goes into a frenzy again.

There's still time

2011-02-22T23:59:00.001+08:00

When everything doesn't go according to plan, your smile-o-meter just keeps hitting the red zone.

All you want to do is curl up into a cozy ball and lull yourself to sleep.

And when everything seems so foreign, so new to you, you hold on to the only parts of your life you're familiar with, the only parts of your life that makes you happy.

But they are like sand in your palm; they slip through between your fingers and you find yourself left with tiny pellets of memories. You grab and grab handfuls of those happy sand, but each time you grab them, they just fall through your hands, and before you know it, you're drained from all the grabbing, and you just let go. The sea brings the sand with it.

They say happiness is not a destination, it is a state of mind.

But how do you do it when the sea keeps washing all your happy sand away?

This sums up how I feel Every Day

2011-01-28T01:34:00.000+08:00

Very muddled up and very out of sorts. Frustrating.

The Occasional Verbal Diarrhoea

2011-01-25T22:44:00.000+08:00

Ever felt like your worries are like a ball of tangled kelp? I seem to be feeling like this for the past few days. There is this big black cloud above my head all the time and I just feel so listless from the gloominess of it all.

It feels almost like a lump in your throat, or like a knot in your stomach, you just can't sit still.

I feel like I have a hairball of worries, impossible to untangle.

It's like my eyes are uncontrollably downcast all the time although I try my best to think positive.

And the worst part? I can't share any of these with anyone. I just have to stuff them into my already packed bookshelf of thoughts. It just feels like my lungs are going to explode soon from how suffocating this is.

It's just so frustrating. I'm fidgety and restless. Is there any way I can relief myself from this clump of tangled kelp?

It is So HARD

2011-01-11T15:02:00.000+08:00

It is so hard to wait upon the Lord.

But I believe, God you will provide.

Christmas

2010-12-25T02:25:00.000+08:00

It's Christmas!

If all goes well, I'll be on to a new chapter of my life.

I have faith in my God. He is good and He will provide. And He is here on this very day!

Many celebrate Christmas with late-night drunken parties, presents and *rolls eyes* Santa. But at the end of the day, I'm sure they feel hollow and empty inside, you know? Like all those are so meaningless.

BUT. Think of the true meaning of Christmas, which is the descent of Jesus into the world to die for us, and life seems more meaningful.

My eyes have seen the light, and it will be foolish for me to forget that I did.

Merry Christmas everyone!

Life is Hard

2010-12-16T01:58:00.000+08:00

Life is so depressing don't you think?

You are born, you grow up, you grow old, hopefully find someone you love, get married, hopefully have kids, and then you die. And your kids leave you.

It feels utterly depressing when you think about having your spouse die earlier than you at like around 40 or something.

Then you'll spend the remaining 20 years living in utter loneliness while your kids grow up and have their own life.

I think it's such a depressing thought. So meaningless. There's nothing to look forward to.

Until I thought about the purpose of being here on earth.

When you think about Christ, everything else just seem to fade away. Like there's this hope. Like it doesn't matter if your kids leave you or your spouse dies early, because you know you'll never be totally alone. There's also this confirmed hope of an eternal after life without pain or tears or sadness, and it just makes life worth living.

I can't imagine a life without Christ, really. Without Him, it seems purposeless. All the work you do, the money you earn, for what? Some people don't think about it, but I think they should. When you really think about it, it seems so empty.

It's so hard to be obedient. And trying just won't make the cut. You have to do it.

Sigh. I hope we make the cut. Really.

Lackadaisical

2010-12-02T03:23:00.000+08:00

My blog has been pretty dead lately. I guess it's mostly due to the lack of inspiration coming to me these days.

Most of the time, my thought processes happen in bed, before I fall asleep, and that's when I start thinking about the day's worth of activities, the things I said, the things I did, the people I hung out with.

That's when the inspiration comes in; when I begin to evaluate myself. But most of the time, I'd be too lazy to crawl out of bed to type it down.

Today's a little different. Today's thought process warrants a post. It is big enough to push me to get out of bed and write it down.

I want to write it down as descriptively as I can, yet be as precise as possible. But I guess, when I start talking, it's just hard to stop.

Tonight, I thought about the person I used to be. The person I was before I finished my degree. Look at how time flies. I'm already preparing to embrace the bitter cold air of the working world's bad breath. I look back at the things I've said in this blog, from the time I started it, up until now. And boy, how I've changed.

From the way I speak, to the way I think, to the way I write. I began this blog as a space for me to note down the day's worth of activities, to keep myself occupied while I'm away from home in a place once so foreign to me. I used to hold on so tight the friends I made from high school, the church I grew up in.

But as time passed and experiences accumulate into buckets after buckets in my mind, things important to me 5 years ago seem to have lost its luster. It's not that I'm saying I don't care about the things I used to care about anymore, it's just that as more important things make their way and struggle to be the center of my vision, the things I used to love began to seem more... insignificant. Like there are bigger things in life to worry about. They have been moved down the queue of matters worthy of attention.

Some wise people say that in order to stay afloat in this ever moving world, we need to move with it or we'll get left behind.

It's so tiring, isn't it? As we all grow older and our eyes begin to open like it never did before, and our values and mentality change. We become more headstrong and stubborn in our own principles and beliefs even though some of it may not be right.

The person I was 5 years ago was carefree. I had no worries. Well, kind of. My worries were small, unimportant and silly, now that I think back about it. "Oh, I left my notes somewhere, whatever shall I do" or "Oh I can't eat today, I accidentally kicked a cat :("

Oh how trivial when I look back at it. Yet I find myself yearning to go back to that carefree me 5 years ago. Even though it means I have to sit through all my exams again.

Responsibilities begin piling up on you once you reach adulthood. You start to think for yourself as the world teaches that it is every man for himself. We leave behind the things we used to hold on so dearly to, which has less use for us now. We become the person that would help us survive; the person with a character that is in tune with "the times".

Are we truly always the same person now and before? I guess it is yes and no. We change to be stronger. We change to build ourselves up. We change because of the circumstances we've been in.

But who's to say if it is for better or for worse?

I somehow think that I have deteriorated in terms of character. Unlike a rock with rough edges that smoothen out over the years, I am the water that runs through it, picking dirt and mud along the way, and when I finally find myself into a lake, I am tarnished and muddy orange, but there's no turning back.

Sometimes I feel like I've turned into the bitches that I used to hate. That I've become just like them. What happened to the bigger me? The magnanimous one, the one that used to say "it's okay" even to the people who have wronged her?

Some food for thought before I head to bed.

Like Ted said in How I Met Your Mother: Well, eventually, over time we all become our own doppelgangers. These completely different people who just happen to look like us.

I guess the weight of everything comes in at the end when we look at things from the eternity point of view, and that is when we start to base our lives on that set of principles, that set of values, and learn from the mistakes that we made. Stumble and fall if you must but pick yourself up and move on, for if you don't, then you'll be a sorry excuse of a human being.

I really need to find myself again.

Weird dream

2010-11-15T12:28:00.000+08:00

So I dreamed that I was on a school bus on the way back from school (maybe my subconscious is trying to relive my younger days, I don't know) and everyone was just minding their own business.

Suddenly, there was a tussle, and everyone was pushing each other, those that were standing. I was in a seat, so it didn't affect me.

This little Indian kid walked along the aisle of the bus to the seat next to mine, across the aisle, and sat down with his bag still on him. In his hand, I could see that he was grasping something. I focused on his loosely formed fist, and inside the fist I thought I saw a small head with eyes.

It was a 'snake'.

Okay. Right here I would like to describe the snake to you. In my dream, I registered it as a snake, but it looked nothing like it. It was green at the head, gradient into a bright orange towards the tail and it was the size of a house lizard. Perhaps even smaller. It had a long tail, and maybe I registered it as a snake because it had snake-like textured skin. The whole thing looked like a house lizard, eyes and all. It was even a little see-through.

Oh, that little thing was active, I tell you. It started crawling out of his fist and on to the back of his palm, and back again on to his palm while he rotated his hand, palm and back, like doing a barbecue.

It was as if the thing was doing little exercises with his palm like a hamster in the wheel thing, whatever that thing is called.

And the little kid was fascinated with the thing. Almost too focused on it to bother about anything else around him. Everyone seated around him was wary of that creature he brought on board, me more than anyone else. I was seated with my back to the window, my whole body turned so I faced him to make sure that creature doesn't jump across the aisle and on me, like any stupid house lizard would.

The thing, after all, had the look of a lizard, and I was probably freaked out because of that.

So anyway, I told the skinny Indian kid, "Jangan kasi benda tu datang sini ah! Kalau dia jatuh dan lari ke sini, saya tumbuk awak."

I have no idea why I spoke to him in Malay.

Then the kid, with an impish face, started doing throwing gestures at me, WITH THE BLOODY LIZARD IN HIS HANDS. Every time he did a throwing gesture, I jumped a little in my seat and squished my whole body on the window. Like as if that was gonna help. And every time I did that, the kid laughed.

Oh, I'll show him something to laugh about.

He did that several times, until I got fed up of being frightened like that. So, I reached over the aisle and gave him a good fist on his right eye.

Not that the blow was super hard, anyone who has ever felt my punch before would know my punch can't even kill an ant.

It made a soft thud though.

Anyway, there was a short pause. Like the whole bus was shocked I would punch a kid in the eye. And my high school bus-mate sitting two seats in front of the kid turned back and looked at me with those judgmental eyes. She said "how could you punch a kid?"

I'm like, "Oh, for heaven's sake, it's not THAT hard."

The kid, as if on cue, began to CRY. And it's not with tears or whatever, it was all scream and no tears.

And I was like. "OH IT'S NOT THAT HARD."

And then I proceeded to give my friend a punch as hard as the punch I gave the kid.

"See, it's not that hard."

And my friend agreed. Instead, she laughed at the weakness of my punch. (even my punches in my dreams are weak wtf why like that)

I proceeded to punch a few more of my other friends and they all had the same reaction as my first friend.

The kid stopped bawling and then he just stood up, lizard in his hands, and looked at me.

The look was so intense. It was conceited, but angry, those eyes. It had a glint of power, and it was quite scary.

I also noticed the lizard was looking at me the same way.

Then I woke up.

Why do I always get weird dreams?

Life

2010-11-12T18:51:00.000+08:00

When you decide against challenges that you may face that will make you a stronger person in general, other things in life come and challenge you so you may not fall behind.

I have chosen a path which I, myself will bear all consequences, whether it is a mistake or not.

Taking the easier way out may not be the best in the long run, but we'll see.

I shall update again soon enough.

Dear God

2010-10-26T20:17:00.000+08:00

When things don't go according to plan, please help us be still and know that you are God.

I'm sure there is a reason for this. I'm sure.

I've always wanted to be in a musical

2010-10-24T23:43:00.001+08:00

Maybe we could do a musical or something for easter next year.

This song is so powerful, I feel. I can almost visualize an entire contemporary dance in my head.

Now... If only I could dance.

This song is also good for a musical.

I wanna be in an awesome musical lah!

Another Random Update

2010-10-18T19:51:00.000+08:00

So get this.

I saw this speck in between my keyboard today. It was kinda big-ish for a speck of something, I don't know what it was. And it was black. It was right in between my M and K keys, which really is just a tiny space.

I was trying to slowly get it out, because it was such a small speck and if I did it wrong, it would drop into the back of my keys, never to see the sunlight again. It went on for a minute or so.

So with grunts and mild blowing, I managed to pick it up, and it was on the tip of my index finger.

Well. If the story ended there then there would be no point in this post. But there's an ending.

For some odd/annoying/creepy reason, my hand did this little spasm thing and flicked the damn speck right into the bottom of my 'M' key, causing it to never see the sunlight again. All that in like 5 seconds or less.

Did I like, you know, unknowingly annoyed/tread on the foot of the powers that be?

I don't know what this is called, but I'm going to categorize it under Murphy's Law.

Amidst The Horrible Events in the World

2010-10-11T11:24:00.000+08:00

Good things can happen. :)

My birthday was made out of all kinds of awesome. Feel so super duper loved.

Ray brought me to an awesome steakhouse for dinner the night before 101010 (you know, since I'm so carnivorous). Dinner, although the wait was ugh, so darn long, was great. Steak is fav thing no. 1.

Then I had fav thing no. 2. Delicious' chocolate brownie with ice creammmmm. Yum. But this is not the best part yet.

Best part is we went to Alexis (seems to be my birthday countdown place eh?), to check out Sharizan.

He. Is. AMAZING.

The music was enjoyable, particularly this spontaneous blues his whole band did with a random mabuk mat salleh. Hahahaha. His musicians were funny, he was funny, oh my. It's unforgettable.

The start of my awesome 101010.

And then....

Friends got me a guitar!

You girls are the best!

And I had a little poolside dinner with Rizuan, Gadiy and Sara.

No pics, but it was so nice! Simple yummy nasi lemak kukus with curry and fried chicken and *cough salad. I'm so amazed what Riz and G can come up with. There was table cloth, plates, a candle (note the a), even serviettes! Cutlery also they position nicely ok! Got corny Jazz music summore hahahaha. Sara and I felt so spoiled. I want to cry with happiness wei.

Plus, Gadiy baked me a chocolate cake! Awesome or what?!

After that, Aunty Audrey and Uncle Peter asked me to join them for supper. And we chit chat and talked and blow candle for my birthday.

Aaron stayed back in KL for me (or so he says)!

Sigh. :')

10.10.10. You may have been out partying. You may think I should have been doing something more. But I must tell you, nothing is more awesome, nothing can beat celebrating a special day with people you love, and people who love you.

How can I bear to leave this place?

Transitioning

2010-10-07T20:03:00.001+08:00

Reality bites.

I'm going to be walking into a world where people you meet are not going to be your friends, but people whom you should be wary of.

I've always been the person who, when meeting a new person, assume that the person is good unless proven otherwise.

But now, everyone's teaching me that when I approach the working world, I should be a cynic. Means that I must assume that everyone is bad unless proven otherwise.

What a horrible world. It's like the rainbows just disappeared and butterflies and pretty birds became cockroaches and crows.

When did the world I live in become so ugly? I've always seen the best the world can give. The good it has to offer. But everyone is telling me otherwise.

I don't want to leave my colored world and step into shades of grey. :(

But I have to. It is an inevitable fact and a principle for survival.

Ugh. I want to faster go heaven haha

Juggling, Multitasking

2010-10-06T14:58:00.000+08:00

It's crunch time.

I have exactly 7 weeks to complete my final year paper.

Busy, busy, busy.

I've got so many things to juggle. Thesis, press kits and videos, the photoshoot, camp meetings, Sunday school classes, this week's youth session, household care, meetings, meetings, meetings... And this is just the tip of the iceberg.

I was just told to prepare a quiz for Sunday School this week. Oh no.

Is this what it's gonna be like for the rest of my life? Trying to find scraps of time for myself? I'm not even working yet and I feel swamped already.

Where did all the time go? It's October already?

Dear God, can I please have an extra hour in a day?

I really really do not want to be involved in Sunday School. Really. It is so not my calling.

My Thesis Survey

2010-10-04T23:42:00.000+08:00

Hi, if you would be a kind soul and just fill in my survey to help complete my thesis, you'd be making my day!

Just click on this link right here, and answer the questions provided. It won't take more than 5 minutes, I promise!

Plus, you'd totally make me happy. And who wouldn't want me to be happy? :D

Something Random

2010-10-01T18:36:00.000+08:00

Sometimes after I pee, I think that I'm done. But when I'm ready to stand up, I find that I need to pee some more and more pee comes out, like I never peed the first time.

At moments like these, I feel like a dog.

Is there something wrong with my bladder?

Yeah, I know it's random and gross, but this is my blog so sue me.

Feelin' good

2010-09-23T15:28:00.000+08:00

So the new song I'm into now is Taio Cruz's Dynamite. I know, I know. Mainstream, but it's catchy!

And the parodies that go along with the song is funny.

This is the original version:
"I throw my hands up in the air sometimes, saying ayy yo, gotta let go"

And all the other parodies:
"I throw my sandwich in the air sometimes, saying ayy yo, where's my mayo?"

"I throw my telescope in the air sometimes, saying ayy yo, I'm Galileo"

"I throw my Skittles in the air sometimes, saying ayy yo, taste the rainbow."

"I throw my girlfriend in the air sometimes, saying ayy yo, no more preggo."

LMAO, the last one is the funniest la. Funny You Tube people.

Turn your Eyes

2010-09-23T11:37:00.003+08:00

Turn your eyes upon Jesus
Look full in His wonderful face
And the things of earth will grow strangely dim
In the light of His glory and grace.

Currently my daily worship song.

Sandcastles

2010-09-21T19:09:00.000+08:00

A: The mixture between sand and water must be balanced. Too much, and it will become soil. Too little, and it won't stick together. And with effort, you build a beautiful sandcastle. But when the rain comes, all is destroyed, and your sandcastle becomes one with the sand around it.

B: Then why make all the effort to build it in the first place?

A: For the journey. The good and happy times you'll get while building. Sometimes, rain will come and destroy what you've built. But that doesn't mean that you leave it and stop building. The satisfaction you get when you complete something can be liberating.

I just took that from a Singapore TV show playing on NTV 7. Didn't know they could be so deep.

Smile

2010-09-18T15:56:00.001+08:00

And the whole world will smile with you.

Or that's what I keep telling myself...

Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus

2010-09-14T10:08:00.000+08:00

In the car, when we were discussing presents:

Eda: What's the worst present you've ever received?

*Everyone ponders*

Eda: (to Shaun) You gave me a blanket on Valentine's day!

Shaun: Eh.. It's a warming blanket! You're always shivering in the cold!

Me: *Bursts out laughing*

Raymond: Eh, it's practical what. (I have to say, he said this in alllll seriousness.)

And that was when I gawk at Raymond to look for any hint of jokes, and boy, he was not joking.

I can't believe he thinks it's okay to buy a warming blanket for a girl on Valentine's Day. Is there even an ounce of romance in him?!

But I am

2010-09-08T04:04:00.000+08:00

I'm trying. I really am.

It doesn't seem like it, but I am trying my very best.

Please just stop scolding and yelling at me...

It's making me very miserable.

Sometimes, a little TLC can really go a long way. And a word of encouragement.

I'm really really really trying very hard. And I need you to understand that it is not easy. It really isn't.

Right now I am stuck in this pit of remorse and guilt and fear, and your anger and frustration towards me is just not helping.

I'm falling down this pit alone, and I feel you looking in and just staring blankly at me falling deeper and deeper.

Give me some encouragement, some patience. And I promise you I'll be a better person.

I'm keeping my chin up

2010-09-07T18:28:00.000+08:00

“No matter what, you’re going to mess up sometimes. It’s a universal truth. But the good part is you get to decide how you’re going to mess it up. Girls will be your friends- they’ll act like it anyway. But just remember, some come, some go. The ones that stay with you through everything- they’re your true best friends. Don’t let go of them. Also remember, sisters make the best friends in the world. As for lovers, well, they’ll come and go too. And babe, I hate to say it, most of them- actually pretty much all of them are going to break your heart, but you can’t give up because if you give up, you’ll never find your soul mate. You’ll never find that half who makes you whole and that goes for everything. Just because you fail once, doesn’t mean you’re going to fail at everything. Keep trying, hold on, and always, always, always believe in yourself, because if you don’t, then who will, sweetie? So keep your head high, keep your chin up, and most importantly, keep smiling, because life’s a beautiful thing and there’s so much to smile about.”

- Marilyn Monroe

Poufy Pleasure

2010-08-18T13:58:00.002+08:00

Can't remember the last time I blogged about clothes and fashion.

Anyways, I'm here to talk about wedding collections. Not that I'm getting married, God forbid, no. I just got linked to this page.

And so I picked out a few that I thought were amazing art pieces by the designers.

This is a Marchesa gown. I love how it is elaborate without being tacky.

Oscar de la Renta.

Vera Wang

And Vera Wang again.

Now, why did I mention I want a simple gown again when there are gowns like these, so elaborate, yet so chic?

I especially love the Marchesa one. What a beautiful piece of work! It's brilliance packed into layers and layers of silk.

Pictures taken from linked website.

Pictures

2010-08-10T04:08:00.000+08:00

When my blog becomes boring without pictures, I try to liven things up.

I try, I try.

Langkawi was a good getaway!

But that was so long ago.

I admit, I'm no photographer, so I take forever to edit and upload pictures.

I wonder when our next getaway will be.

Hopefully before we all start working. :(

But life's been good.

Too good in fact, that I feel something's gonna go wrong soon.

I have this ominous feeling.

Oh well. *shrugs*

We'll cross the bridge when we get to it!

For now, I'll enjoy while life is still good.

Home

2010-07-28T15:01:00.000+08:00

Sometimes, I get so caught up with life over here that everything else just don't come into mind. I forget the place I come from, the people I grew up with. The life here becomes so familiar, that I feel that I'm a part of it. But then something happens along the way and I am reminded of where I came from, who I used to be.

Sometimes, I feel like I belong here. It almost feels like I share their history, their life, the growing up.

Then someone comes along and play a song I grew up with, the programs I watch when I was a kid. How Singaporean I used to feel. Then I get thrown off, and the life here in PJ seems like it's just a dream.

When I am in JB, it is so easy to just forget the life I've lived these past 4 years. It's almost like I never left home. Because everything is so familiar. The house, the shows, the warmth. When I go back to JB, it's like I woke up from this dream, this whole other life.

It IS a whole other life back there and over here. It makes me wonder where I really belong.

Like a good friend of mine said, it sucks because you get used to the life over there, then you come back and you get used to the life over here. Then the time to be over here ends, and you have to go back there and adapt again. It throws you off because ultimately, to where do you belong?

It's not home over here, it only FEELS like it because you got used to it. It's a ticking bomb. You never know when you're gonna have to go back home and wake up from this dream.

Pretty sad, don't you think?

While doing work

2010-07-26T17:47:00.000+08:00

I just realized how inadequate I am in vocabulary when it comes to writing.

It's so frustrating when you have something on top of your head, an idea so great, but you just can't seem to find the right word for it.

Then you see me snapping my fingers, trying to get the right word.

It's at the tip of your tongue, you just know it, but that stubborn word just refuses to come out.

It is especially hard when you are attempting to create your first draft for your thesis.

I hate writing. Not because I don't like expressing myself, because I do. It's just that I hate the part where you can't figure out the exact word to describe a certain feeling because of the lack of vocab.

Sometimes, I'm just fussy with the words I use. Just like how I'm fussy with everything else.

Am I not reading enough?

Old Skool Lovin'

2010-07-21T21:25:00.000+08:00

I remember missing the A1 concert in Singapore because of something, I can't remember what. And I was so bummed but when they showed it on Channel 5, (back then when Channel 5 was under TCS and not Mediacorp) I was so psyched, I taped down the whole freaking concert and watched it again and again.

Back then it was this show called The Tube (or something like that) where they played like all the happening music videos and concerts and what not, and it was hosted by Jamie Yeo (waaaaay back when she was still single and wasn't a husband stealer).

I remember I couldn't watch The Tube because it was always on Sundays and Sundays are church days, which explains me taping the concert down.

I was searching You Tube for the Singapore concert, but it was fruitless. I guess it's because it's too backdated?

And I started watching all the old 90's music videos of like Backstreet Boys, A1, Boyzone... and oh my...... The videos..

It's so damn funny man.

Damn, they disabled the embedding. But you have to click here to watch it! I SWEARRR it's super funny.

I really laughed out loud at 3:05. The body thing, what the! HAHAHAHAHAH cannot tahan I laugh like hell.

Man, I was really entertained for a while.

I have a question

2010-07-14T20:10:00.000+08:00

Here's the scenario.

A single lady who can't find the right man to marry is not getting any younger. She's around 36 and her biological clock is ticking.

She has always wanted to be a mom her entire life, but now she can't find the right guy to settle down with.

Say she waited and waited for another 2 years, and she's 38 now and still can't find the right guy.

Is it wrong (in a Christian perspective) to get artificially inseminated and get pregnant?

So baffling. Technically she didn't sin, right?

The Best Quote

2010-07-13T00:17:00.000+08:00

"First, I am replaceable. Second, you're the only wife I've got or ever will have. You are my whole existence, and I will love you until my very last breath."

- Prince Albert on why he blocked a gunshot for Queen Victoria

Possibly the best movie ever.

I believe

2010-07-12T22:24:00.000+08:00

I believe that everything is controlled with the power of my mind.

I believe that if I try hard enough, I'll be able to convince myself to feel a certain way.

I believe that I can keep trying to think positively.

I believe that sometimes the road less traveled by has a reason why it is less traveled by.

I believe that if I summon enough willpower, I can change my own way of thinking.

I believe that I can psycho myself into liking something I actually don't.

I believe that my emotions are controlled by my mind, and that if I do not allow it, I will not feel a certain way.

I believe.

It is really mind over matter.

Starting mantra now.

B.Buffel

2010-07-08T00:20:00.000+08:00

I finally bought a wallet to rescue my dying one.

I love how it smells like leather. Here's to another 4-5 years, dear wallet.

Moving Joys and Woes

2010-06-25T18:58:00.000+08:00

Change. Good or bad, it swings either way. It's how we look at it.

Just like the picture above, you can view it as a sunrise or a sunset.

While packing (or unpacking), I discovered many things that bring me back to the past. It digs up old memories, happenings stored at the corner of your mind, just like the things that are stored at the corner of your room.

Some made me smile, thinking of fun times. Some made me sigh with nostalgia. Some made me sniff a little. But maybe it was because of the dust haha.

Moving house can be a good thing. It helps you move on in life. While clearing your things, you are faced with decisions whether to keep something or not.

The sentimental in me tells me to keep everything.

Yet the more sensible part tells me that it's time to throw some things away and move on in life. Sometimes it's not good to keep holding on to the past.

I guess this whole post is for me to convince myself to throw some things away.

New place, new beginnings, a clean slate, a new chapter.

Yet sometimes, even without things to remind us, we still drag along remnants of the past with us and try to sprinkle some drops of its ink onto the blank white page of the present.

But oh well, I guess it's just human nature to cling on to good times of the past because the horrors of the present can be pretty exhausting.

Sunny skies are a lie

2010-06-23T16:37:00.002+08:00

‘Twas a sunny afternoon,

After a lunch so fine,

Where the birds croon,

And white clouds align.

I decided in a jiffy,

Since I had the time,

“My car should look spiffy!”

Oh, that idea was sublime.

So I brought it to the car wash,

The first in 12 weeks,

Splish, splash, splosh,

And, boy, did it squeak!

A happy person I was,

Till I turned to the sky

And I was reminded of Murphy’s Laws

When the clouds began to cry

I held my breath inside

As I began to pray

“Lord, let the rain subside

Please blow the rain clouds away.”

Alas, droplets in their glory,

Skipped happily on my screen,

And so I began the story

Of my car’s short-lived hygiene.

It's that time again

2010-06-22T18:16:00.000+08:00

So, it's that time again.

Time to move my fat ass.

There's something bittersweet about moving. I like sectioning my things into boxes, knowing that they are organized into their different categories. I like knowing that I have a chance to finally organize my things at my new place, into neat piles of things. I like the fact that I can now clean my room every 2 weeks or so because there won't be any fur anymore. I like the planning I make to make sure I am well organized at my next place, and I like the change of environment.

Trust me, for a person like me, a change of environment is often necessary.

But I hate the part I have to face the dusty corners of the pile of mess in my room, so I can section them. I hate the part where I have to decide to keep something or not. I hate that I have to get used to a new place, although I am looking forward to change. I hate the uncertainty of how I might have to move again somewhere in the future, and the whole nightmare of packing replays itself like a broken tape.

It's a bittersweet feeling.

And I can't decide if I like it or not.

Politik

2010-06-19T20:22:00.000+08:00

Sometimes, it's better to just lay low, and detach yourself to the people you're working with so you'll get away from the politics around you.

Never get involved in the arguments, never try to be the middle person.

That's what I'm doing, and as far as happiness is concerned, I am happy to keep to myself and my workload.

Ai! Why like that!

Hello there!

2010-06-15T03:59:00.000+08:00

You frowny thing, you.

"But he stole my ball!"

"Aww. It's okay honey, it's okay."

How can someone be so cute.

Random Update

2010-06-10T21:09:00.000+08:00

Landlord: Hi! How are you?

Me: Oh, I'm fine :) You?

Landlord: That's good to hear. I'm great. Say, do you mind if I take a look at the balcony?

Me: ..... errrrr .........

Landlord: If it's inconvenient, it's okay. I just want to check if there is anything I need to fix.

Me: It would be fine but...

Landlord: That's great!

Me: *verbal vomit* Therearealotofstuffblockingthedoor.

Landlord: Oh, you mean you don't use the balcony?

Me: I used to. Until all my stuff piled up in front of the door.

Landlord: Can I take a look at the toilet then?

Me: Sure!

*goes up the room and he sees the balcony door*

Landlord: Wow, that's a lot of stuff. I get it *chuckles*

Me: Heh. *redface

Childhood

2010-05-30T17:50:00.001+08:00

I absolutely must publish a post about my favourite childhood cartoons. I have so many, it's really hard to begin and remember all. But I'm so excited, cos I'm searching all of them on youtube, and they are really yielding results! I almost have a tear in my eye from nostalgia. :')

So well, what's searching them on youtube if I don't share them right? So here they are:

Here's the Chinese educational one. They answer all kids funny questions like why the moon is round and things like that.

And then there's Dragon tales:

And there's the Magic School Bus. OMG I LOVE THIS SHOW! I always wished the school bus I took would magically transform like this magic school bus T_T. Don't tell me I was a sad kid. I'm sure we had favourite cartoons!

And finally, my fav of all, cos they had cute guys. HAHA. Zoboomafoo! I remember always looking forward to this program with my bro. We'd watch it together and sing the opening song out loud. I remember laughing together with him when Zoboo said something funny. Sorry I'm rambling cos I'm so excited to see all these again! :D

Sigh. I miss all these shows. Nowadays kids programs are stupid, what Hannah Montanna and what Lizard Mcguire. Pffft. So non educational and depth-less, making girls stupid and bimbo. All these are so interesting, I don't know why they stopped producing them. <3 <3

Now kids programs are so boring, Kim Possible la, Ben10 la wth. So stupid la the shows hahaha. Watch old nostalgic shows and you'll be like me so cool hahahahaha.

So many more. Rugrats, Hey Arnold, As told by Ginger, Clueless, Sabrina the Teenage Witch, X Men. WAH SO EXCITING.

Ok I'm gonna stop. But I'm so excited omg. I wanna go search for more old skool cartoons.

One Day

2010-05-25T21:36:00.003+08:00

Disclaimer: This is just a story to release my frustrations regarding certain things. Please do not read if you cannot have an open mind about my jibber jabber.

Let me tell you a story.

One fine morning, a neighborhood awakes, finding that their surrounding had such peace and tranquility that never before existed. Everyone had a smile on their faces and the morning was good. The sunshine was undeniably bright and the sky was a deep blue, so clear that a single cloud would ruin its beauty.

Suddenly, there were yells after yells, much crying and sobbing. A lazy bulldog looks up from its sleep, scratches its ears and walked into the house, looking for a more quiet spot. A large treat was visible at its food bowl, but Spike, too lazy to check it out dropped his head on his paws and closed his eyes.

The local sheriff went to investigate the yells, and found that some of the neighborhood pets were dead. They were murdered, not in a gruesome, bloody manner; but murdered nonetheless with pentobarbital, a typical drug for euthanasia.

Days became weeks and weeks, months. Investigations began to unfold all they need to know about the silent murder. It is as if the killer dropped clues like breadcrumbs to assist in their investigations.

What they found were puzzling. It didn't seem to connect. Only dogs were murdered; clearly the killer had a deep dislike for dogs. But if he had a hatred for dogs, why weren't all of them murdered? Was it the lack of time? But it couldn't be. The dogs were killed way before the neighborhood rose for a new day. There was another common finding: All the dogs that lived had a huge, tasty treat at their food bowl. What did they all have in common?

The sheriff sat a bar with a drink, deep in thoughts about the case. A mysterious looking man with a beige trench coat and a straw hat walked in. He took his place next to the sheriff and placed an order for a "Straight up Martini with a Twist. - And two olives, please. I like 'em both."

The sheriff tried to stifle a chuckle at his order (and of course his straw hat - what was he thinking?), but the man heard it.

Silently, he turned to the sheriff, picked up his drink and took a dainty sip, hardly what a man would do. Yes, he did look menacing; under the dim lights, there was a deep gash at his brow. But with mannerisms like these, there's nothing really to be afraid of.

"The neighborhood's been pretty quiet recently. So peaceful, so silent," said the mysterious man with a deep voice. The sheriff nodded with his eyes fixed on his glass, not interested in what he thought was a pick-me-up. "I love dogs. But sometimes their barks drive me crazy." He downed the last of his martini, chomped down his olives, with his eyes fixed on the sheriff.

The sheriff lifted his brows with a startling realization. When he looked up from the table to turn to the man, all he saw was an empty martini glass with a toothpick on the chair.

He never saw the man again.

Again, I want to emphasize that I have no intention to kill dogs. I just want to let my imagination run wild a little. Just let me be morbid and disturbed for once. I'm following Roald Dahl's footsteps hahaha. Bah who reads these shit anyways lol.

Stranger and Smiles

2010-05-23T05:47:00.003+08:00

A stranger walked up to me today. He told me that I should always keep a smile on my face because I looked sweet when I smile. He also told me to come by again so he could buy me a drink. I flashed another smile at him and said thanks.

I turned to walk away, but the only thing I felt was sadness.

It then occurred to me that the smile I was putting up for others to see was a facade to show people that I am okay, a smile to hide my sorrow behind the masked sweetness.

The so called sweetness, has a strong bitter aftertaste that I think no one would like to find out. It is like the stomach ache medicine. It's coating is sweet, but beneath that sweetness, a strong and undeniable bitterness slowly creeps out at you. You either spit it out, or you take a swig of fresh water to wash it down.

People are like that. They only like the coated sugar on the stomach ache medicine. The longer they suck on it, the more the sugar wears off. The more they find out about you, the more your sweetness disappear. When the bitterness starts to come out, they spit you out or wash you away with water. They leave.

People only like the happy parts of you. When the ugly stuff comes out, very few actually stay. Those who stay throughout the bitter aftertaste of the stomach ache medicine are those who are true friends.

Picking out friends is like... sifting the mining ground for diamonds or gold. You pick up a whole lot of soil and water, and you start sifting. The dirt fall through, and you are left with your diamonds/gold. We sift through the people that we know, but at the end of the day, we are left with only 1 or 2 true friends. These are the diamonds you should keep. That's why the 700 people in your Facebook don't really matter. It is those who are on your speed dial, those whom you know are on call for you 24/7. There's no written contract or a spoken rule... you just know.

It is 5:39am on my clock and church starts in 3 hours time. I have no idea what I'm doing awake, probably due to too much thinking, and the caffeine I consumed a few hours ago. I thought caffeine never affected me, but I guess I was wrong. We learn new things about ourselves everyday.

I'm not sure if anything I said up there made sense, but well, I just thought I'd clear it off my mind since I don't think I can sleep if those thoughts kept swimming in my head.

Smiles.

When did I stop smiling for myself and started smiling for the world?

Sorry for the melancholy. It's probably because of the wee hours in the night spent thinking.

I hope I won't fall asleep in church later.

True Story

2010-05-19T19:28:00.002+08:00

Every time I see a message that is mysterious - like something regarding how a person feels about someone, or a condolence message to someone - I pretend that I am a detective and begin to find out the source of it.

Like, I try to decipher who the message is going out to, or how the mentioned person died.

I google and I search, and I stalk. Most of the times, depending on situations, my efforts come out fruitful, and I get to the bottom of it, making myself feel somewhat relieved and released. Released from the curiosity that bugs the life out of me when I read something.

But when it is fruitless, like this current 'investigation' that I'm doing, it gnaws at my heart like a maggot worming its way through rotten food; the curiosity, it grips me. But there's nothing I can do, really, except to accept the fact that the detective work is going nowhere. So I just go to sleep and try to forget about it. Most of the time, sleeping helps me forget.

Of course the message had to be catchy enough for me to begin my investigations, because if I were to do it to every FB status message I see, I'd be so deprived of my time.

When I sleep and wake up, it is like a clean slate. For a moment I forget what happened yesterday, and take in what the new day has for me. It is a blank canvas waiting to be filled with events and happenings, a reformatted memory to fill in new documents.

But normally it only lasts until whatever problems creep back to me again, whether through people or from my own cursed mind. Like those virus that refuse to leave even after formatting.

I think I'm in the wrong line. Maybe I should open up my own P.I. company or something. Ya think?

Sunshine Song

2010-05-19T13:04:00.000+08:00

Sometimes the sun shines on other people's houses and not mine.

Some days the clouds paint the sky all grey

and it takes away my summertime.

Somehow the sun keeps shining upon you,

While I struggle to get mine.

If there's a light in everybody,

Send out your ray, oh sunshine!

But I won't ask you to stay

2010-05-12T02:20:00.000+08:00

I'd rather walk away.

If your heart's not in it.

Here it is

2010-05-09T14:01:00.000+08:00

So.

I just got my inedible Mackers.

I'm having trouble with my internet, this whole self assigned I.P. thing, wth. I've been reading forums and tried everything and it is still not working.

Sigh.

I'm giving up. Gonna wait for my private troubleshooting hotline to help me.

Calling 1-800-RAYMOND-OOI.....

The only Exception

2010-04-28T19:24:00.001+08:00

I've been into this song lately.

Didn't know I'd like Paramore. But I Googled this song the moment I heard it.

What have I become?

2010-04-28T00:31:00.001+08:00

Sometimes, I think I've let myself go too much.

I've always been the person to search for a comfort zone, and then stay there stubbornly unless I am forced to budge. By comfort zones, you can say groups of friends, people, places, things.

If you want to put it in other terms, it probably sums up as this:

I'm a creature of habit.

I guess sometimes that's not so good. When the supposed "comfort zone" decides to fall apart, I have nothing else to lean back on. No support, no hold.

I haven't been evaluating myself lately, thus the statement "I've let myself go too much".

Is it because I have changed so much for the worst that I don't even bother evaluating myself anymore, or is it because I have this stark awareness of the person whom I've become, so I'm avoiding the self-evaluation?

I guess I mentioned before that the reason why I evaluate myself is so I can become a better person everyday. Have I reached a horrible bad point of no return that I simply cannot evaluate myself anymore for fear that I'll despise myself?

I don't know what's driving me to say stuff like that, but I'm guessing it's because I have such a negative impression of myself.

Every time I judge a person, every time I complain about someone's character, I find that I am like that myself. Then I reprimand myself for being so judgmental and remind myself that I am like that too, and I feel guilty for the person that I am. Every time this happens, I find myself spiralling into a deep well of guilt, so deep I just can't seem to get out of it. When I try to get out of it, I slip, and hit rock bottom, pushing the ground further in, and finding myself even deeper in than before. Why is my ground so soft?

I've been compromising so much of my principles and values these days. Things that would put the me I was 5-years ago into shame and disgust. I've been compromising so I'd be comfortable. So I'd still be in the circle of my comfort zone.

Maybe I'm just conforming and morphing into a whole new individual. After all, people do change right?

I just hate the fact that I am so painfully, heart-wrenchingly aware of myself that I force myself to sleep so that I lose consciousness of the person that I am.

I think I'm in serious need of a shrink. Any good ones to recommend?

No, really.

Or maybe it's just the recent studying that has made me this way. Hopefully.

Image via The White Balloon

Fluff

2010-04-19T22:36:00.000+08:00

I've been on this assignment for weeks, and it doesn't seem like it's going to end soon.

This is probably one of my toughest assignment yet, probably because I have to read about boring stuff like the economy, politics and the like.

I feel like I'm discovering this whole new web, and it doesn't look like it's ending soon because politics and economy are so complicated, it takes so long to understand. Not only that, it is intertwined with history and geography, and reading them is really tedious.

I can't seem to find the words to start my assignment with, because to explain the whole economy and politic shiz in 2000 words is like trying to fit a Mammoth into a Smart car.

The good thing about this assignment is that it opens up my eyes to so many things out which are happening in this world, way more important that my Zara skirt and my Aldo shoes.

What I really mean is that so many things we are doing are related to politics and economy, but people choose to turn a blind eye to them, brushing them off and deeming them as "dirty" and "silly". Sad thing is, I used to be one of those people. Or rather, I still am.

Yes, politics can be childish. At least Malaysia's one is. But one has to look at the bigger picture, the consequences of certain political actions, the events on a global scale.

Today's chunk of reading just reminded me of how everyone is connected to each other. We aren't a country by ourselves. We cannot just ignore news from other countries simply because we do not live there. It affects us in ways you cannot imagine. You just have to read about everything to know.

Right now, I feel so small. Like I know so little about everything. There is so much more to find out about everything, everyone, things going on under wraps. The internet opens up a whole new world of information, a whole new outlook on things, a whole new avenue to undisclosed information, it makes me feel so small when I think about the times where all I do when I access the net, is to watch the latest runway video and check out the latest happening on Style.com.

Thank God I'm over the phase of wanting to know what's happening in the celebrity world.

When I switch windows between the articles I am reading and Facebook, and I check out the "News Feed" on my FB, all I feel is that I am reading fluff.

I know a little fluff is good for me to take my mind of the ugly world, but at the end of the day, we have to stop running away and reality is the one in the ugly world. I have to accept it whether I like it or not, whether I am in denial.

I guess the only good point denial brings is that you get to be happy all the time, in ignorance. But to me, being in denial and shutting out the world issues is only going to get you left behind in this ever moving, ever changing and ever evolving world. If I don't start running now, I may never catch up.

That's a pretty scary thought.

Just Sundays

2010-04-19T02:40:00.000+08:00

You know, sometimes, you have that moment when you want to stop in time and just sit and let the glory of the moment seep into your pores and into your bloodstream so you can savor every moment of it properly.

Today, I felt that way.

I wonder what really happened to my writing mojo. I seem to have ran out of it these days. I look back at my posts and I realized that I was a better writer before that I am now. I could express my thoughts so much better and it was so much more organized.

I also think that my English has deteriorated.

No, really. Sometimes, I find myself snapping my fingers at a word that skips ever so freely at the tip of my tongue and at the top of my head that I cannot find that word, until someone says it and EUREKA.

I really have no idea which direction I am headed to now. I am faced with the biggest crossroad in my life, and the biggest challenge is to choose the correct road for the best of everything.

I really wonder if I am up to making the right decision.

If only there was a button I could push, that could tell me which road would be the best choice.

Have you ever gotten amazed at yourself? Like your ability to do certain things you never thought you could until the opportunity arises?

I was amazed at my capabilities to be so laid-back towards my final semester.

Don't worry Mom and Dad, I got everything under control.

Or so I always say...

Just to add

2010-04-08T01:40:00.000+08:00

How do you cope with your emotions?

I really want to know and take control of my emotions. I hate how my actions are always based on how I feel.

How do you swallow your annoyance and anger and still be nice, because as far as I'm concerned, once I'm angry, I cannot function properly. My head does little flips and it gives me a metaphorical headache. I can't think straight, and I take it out on everything and everyone around me.

How do I make my anger go away and still be normal? Wusa doesn't seem to work. Never did, never will.

What do you do to relieve your anger so that you will act normal again? Suppressing it will only cause a build up, and then it will blow up in someone's face the next time.

I want to learn how to purge all those negative feelings in a way which doesn't build up and cause a world war in the future.

Maybe I need to go for anger management classes.

Moodzzz

2010-04-08T01:34:00.000+08:00

One thing everyone should know about me:

When my plans get thwarted, and I don't get to do things which I want to do - which most of the time it includes doing things with certain people - I get all cranky. Even more so when the plans are foiled because I have to do an assignment/work.

And when I get cranky, I tend to take it out on people around me. So, just your luck, if you happen to stand in line of my fiery fury.

I know that's not the way to do things, or treat people, and believe me, I'm trying to change. It's so hard because I am ruled by my emotions and feelings, to the point of my decision on food (whether I FEEL like eating something or not).

But some people really do deserve it.

I'm such a terrible person, I know.

I do know also, sometimes, people will try to turn it around and make me feel like I'm acting cranky, so I'll feel guilty. The good old guilt trip trick.

One should never fight fire with fire. Fight fire with a little patience and love, and the fire will die down as fast as Malaysia's beach waves.

This post is to no one in particular. It is only for me, to remind myself that if someone acts all cranky on me, I will need to practice a little more patience and love rather than fight it and be cranky back. It will only make the world a less tolerable place to be in.

Our Movie

2010-04-06T03:46:00.000+08:00

Ok, I cannot tahan my sad post, so I have to find something to post to overlap it.

I am finally finished with my film project!

The movie file is huge, though, so let me know if you're interested in watching it, so I can show it to whoever if I see you.

The first part........................................ I warn you first.

It's DAMN FAIL.

But, laugh. And you shall receive the undiscounted, uncut wrath of mine.

I'm so glad it's over though.

Since it's gonna be a while

2010-03-23T23:32:00.000+08:00

the resentment, the frustration, the soaring emotions. the echoes of my own laughter, the silence in my own weeps. the disappointment when my only companion is the whirring of my laptop fan. my lifeless phone after a long message sent on a happy day. days when hugs are substituted with a soulless cotton bolster. when waking up to an empty room is so painful, i will myself to sleep in more. the unmet emotional needs. the emptiness. the hugless and kissless days. your distant gaze. your indifference. expecting comfort and reassurance only to receive single word replies and thoughtlessness. the hurt.

the hurt.

The Paradox of simple complexity.

2010-03-23T20:24:00.000+08:00

I feel the unexplainable grief when I look at the white of Blogger's 'new post' page and struggle to look for words to say, a story to tell, an event to remember.

It's so frustrating to have so much in your head, so much you want to say about anything and everything, but struggle to find the perfect word to describe it.

I guess that would explain the lack of posts recently. It seems harder and harder to put my thoughts into words these days that I'd rather not write it down because I hate it when I cannot find the perfect words or the perfect sentence to describe a moment.

It's pretty exhausting to be anal like that.

I'll write a meaningful post soon. The blog seems to be lack of that lately.

When God speaks to you through people,

2010-03-17T01:39:00.000+08:00

it can be a pretty scary thing.

Thank you, God for putting yourself right in front of my face even after I keep running away from you.

You know I like "the chase". Haha.

Just give me some time, kay. I'm slowly but surely coming back to You.

People are like water pit stops during a marathon. They give you the encouragements that you need to move on in the race. I'm really thankful that God put so many water stations in my life. Really.

Can we really change the will of God? Can we? Is there really hope?

Lots of thinking

2010-03-16T00:00:00.000+08:00

If let's say you've done one bad thing, which gave people the wrong impression of you, do you try to change that impression, even though you know mindsets are hard to change, or do you just eff it and be bad all the way?

Let me give you a scenario:
Let's say you didn't do your assignment one day, because for some reason, you forgot about it. So, because of that, you go to all your friends who are taking the same class as you, then use their assignment to come up with your own one. Just to save your ass that one time. But because of that one time, your friends have a bad impression of you and label you the "copier" or the "parasite". Do you try to redeem yourself by trying to do all your assignments on your own next time? But because of that one time, the next time you ask your friends for assistance, their impression of you being a parasite is going to be deeper.

Do you go against the odds and try to change the impression your friends have on you, or would you just eff it and be bad all the way, and be the parasite they label you to be?

Isn't it easier to fall into the dark side, screw everything and just go with the flow?

Not saying I'm in that situation. I'm the one people leech off okaaaaay. Chey chey chey. Hahahahaha.

--------------------------------------------

On another note, my days have been getting busier.

Not that anyone cares, because the last thing people want to read about is my sad, uneventful life.

Internship report, class events, quizzes, class reports, thesis.

I need retail therapyyyyyy.

Now, where's that punching bag when you need one.

Oh my.

2010-03-08T20:01:00.003+08:00

I have never wanted anything so badly before.

What's this?

Alice in Wonderland Eyeshadow Palette.

Limited edition wan lor, damn nice.

Each color has a description from the story.

So gorgeous.

BUT IT'S SOLD OUT.

/cries

Pictures taken from http://www.plustique.blogspot.com/

The peak of my hormonal cycle

2010-03-06T23:51:00.001+08:00

Sorry if I'm being too gross. That's my warning for ya.

When I PMS; something which happens pretty much every month, though its severity differs each time; the people around me seem to get it the worst.

Especially if you're someone close to me.

Today, I was an emotional wreck, a spoiled child, a petty wretch, and a bitch; all in this 5ft 2 body of mine.

That can be pretty hard to deal, I know.

So here's just a small shoutout to my dahlink for being ever so patient with me today.

Frankly, I was a bit surprised at your tolerance level. :D

Thank you for being so understanding of my 'mang zhang-ness', for standing by my bad day, for showering me with so many super sayangsssssssssss even though they were greeted with frowns and a smelly face. Sorry haniiiee for not being able to help my emotional pendulum. (Pendulum is probably too mild a word, but I'm trying to be less dramatic these days hehehehe.)

SUPER SAYANGS BACK FOR YOU!!! <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 Nah, give you 5 out of 5 loves!

Knowing

2010-03-04T02:31:00.002+08:00

If one were to ask me to describe myself in full right now, I would say that I'm the kind of person who would want to know everything about someone or something that interests me. If it were something of the dirt category, I would be all the more interested.

But sometimes, I think, knowing too much can be detrimental to one's mental health.

I'm talking like I'm writing an academic paper.

Let me rephrase. Sometimes, knowing too much can be bad for our minds and our hearts. I think it gives me unnecessary stress over certain matters, and reminds me that ignorance really can be bliss.

I am amazed by how much I am able to know, just by a person's simple mistake, or a moment of carelessness.

I don't want to sound all-knowing, because I am not God, and there are many areas where I am a fool. So, just give me a chance to explain.

Recently, I was faced with a chance to bring my stalking to another level.

Because of someone's carelessness, I was struck with this epiphany when I was in bed one day, wide awake after a cup of teh-o-ais at mamak.

At that moment, I was so happy at this opportunity to know this whole new world, but the more I think about it, the more underhanded the tactic seemed. I started to ponder if it is right that I do such a thing, but found myself justifying why doing so is not wrong.

Yes, it isn't wrong, but it isn't right either. A very wise person once said to me that whatever that doesn't fall into the 'right' category, automatically falls into the 'wrong'. I debated and debated again with myself (in bed), until I fell asleep.

The next day, I executed my plan to unlock this new world by my underhanded means, totally ignoring the little debate I had with myself the previous night.

Suffice to say, I wasn't very happy, nor was I proud of what I did. It just didn't make a difference to me. Why did I feel the need to know so much? After all, everyone's entitled to their past, to their life, to their secrets, right?

I didn't feel very happy about the piece of obtained information. In fact, the more I thought about it, the more it killed me inside.

So, I decided today that I will not do it any longer. I will not abuse this new-found advantage. Yes, I will bear in mind that I have this advantage, but I am going to make it a point not to abuse it.

I'd like to quote the all-time best selling book in the world that "all things are permissible, but not all are beneficial". How much truer can this phrase be?

So right now, I lie in my bed, thinking to myself:
Girl, there's so much more in the world left for you to learn. 21 doesn't spell adulthood. Whoever came up with that is the biggest best liar ever. 21 simply spells newbie. The years before that were just practice time.

So much for reflection of the week, eh?

I have nothing to say

2010-03-01T02:30:00.000+08:00

I just published something which was meant to be published elsewhere. Oh my. :/

Anyways.

Isn't it funny, how I used to be so opinionated, I have something to say about everything, but now my blog is just pretty much dead with no updates?

I'm losing my readers! If I have any.

I don't know why, I just seem to have lost interest in so many aspects of my life.

There are so many things to keep up with that I get so tired of everything.

I don't want to be those boring people who just talk about what they did yesterday, today, last week, bloody bloody blah.

Let's just say the new year's been pretty rough for some of us. I'm not spared. Being plagued with constant worries is not something that I would want to wish for anyone to experience, even if it is the enemy of all enemies.

People haven't been kind as well. But that's a story for another day.

At this point in time, I guess all I feel like being is alone. Solitude is pretty hard to come by in this hustle and bustle of the city. Maybe I should take a trip somewhere to just chill and relax.

On the hammock by the sea. Ooo.

Only Malaysia's too hot. And dangerous.

Where can I go to be without disturbance? That includes being free from people asking for donation for some freak poor charity.

Oh well, some words to keep my blog from dying.

How Genetics Work

2010-02-21T01:57:00.002+08:00

This made me chuckle!

Image via A cup of Jo from Casanova Wong.

What Shapes Us All?

2010-02-19T04:18:00.001+08:00

I think being shoved into the reality of life has made me learn so many things.

For one, people cannot be trusted or depended upon. So many times I have defended people, that humans are not like that, that we need each other, inevitably.

But I realized, that the above is true only to a certain extent, and that people are just living for themselves.

As much as friends say they'd be there for you, at the end of the day you just find yourself being alone.

One thing I've learned, people always leave when you need them most.

No, really. They do. Even the closest one.

Not that they don't care. They just always seem to have something on at that exact moment when you need them.

What's the point of everything then? Life just seem pointless to me when I look at it this way.

Cold, cold, cold. Numb, numb, numb. I'm just so apathetic towards everything, everyone now.

Hopefully it's just the heat and the night time that is causing it.

Who will save the Polars?

2010-02-18T20:11:00.000+08:00

Who will save our Polar Bears? They're floating away on ice. :(

What can we do? :( :( :(

I think I'm in love.

2010-02-10T10:32:00.000+08:00

He is so yeng.

Plus, he's Christian.

Laus Deo Semper.

It means Praise always be to God. It's in every video info.

Plus, he's cute.

Drummers are hot.

CNY happiness

2010-02-09T00:05:00.000+08:00

I can't wait for Chinese New Year suddenly.

The cooking.

The noisy people at homeeeee.

The fooooooooood.

The ang pows.

The COOKINGGGGGGGGG!

I have so many things in mind already ehehehehehehehehehehe.

I pray to God everyday that this part of my happiness will never be short-lived. As much as I do pray, nothing is ever predictable, and especially when it comes to the God of this world, I strive to savour each moment I have with the people I love, and appreciate them for who they are.

Love. It's a great thing, isn't it? :]

This is worthy of an.....

2010-02-05T21:04:00.002+08:00

"AMAGAAAAWDDDDDDDDDDDDDD"

Dear close friends and loved ones,

My dying wish is to be able to blow some candles off one of these. It doesn't matter if it is only one damn cupcake, I'd blow the candles off and die a happy person.

I'd be able to die happy, knowing that I have blown my 80th candle propped on a wonderfully decorated Chanel cupcake.

I also assure you that during my remaining days on earth, supposing this happens way before my 80th birthday, my mood will be as sunshiney as I possibly can.

It would be even better, if it was more than just a cupcake, if it was a Chanel-bag cake, like the last image posted. Of course, do make it a 2.55, because that is classic.

When I do eventually get to see this as a surprise, please be prepared to call the paramedics in event of any induced heart attacks. Also, it would help if you brought along some smelling salts. Just, you know, as precautionary measures.

Also, because I already know that you all might surprise me, in order not to spoil the atmosphere, I will act accordingly and show you my surprised face.

You know I love all of you! And you all love me too.

Signing off,

Charissa.

P.S. - Delectable in The Gardens actually makes one cupcake like this for RM9 per cupcake or more.

I'm just saying.

Images from Cupcakes Nouveau via HoneyChild311

Contemplation

2010-02-04T01:37:00.001+08:00

Grayscale to signify my dull and colorless life

I am this close to graduation.

I still have no idea what I want to do on a permanent basis.

I definitely don't want to be writing press releases my whole life.

I hate life decisions. Imagine making the wrong career choice, and I'll be stuck with it forever.

You know, I've always known this question would come and haunt me. I know it would greet me at the end of my student-hood. I've always known that I'd have to face it one day and decide what I'd like to do. I just never thought it would be so soon.

I think I've been running away for the longest time. It's probably time to face the crossroads now.

I wish life had a GPS that I could follow.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

"I want to be a comfortable upper-middle class citizen who is happy and with many, many close friends."

GPS will answer:

"Destination unavailable. Please state another location"

Blogging Frenzy

2010-01-28T16:42:00.000+08:00

I seem to be in a blogging frenzy these days.

I have a reason for today's post. Or rather, a question.

Behold!

How does one answer - in a biblical context - the question "Why do bad things happen to good people"?

Because I got thrown with this question while in a great debate on God's existence and his sovereignty, and I stammered, jibber-jabbered, shilly-shallied, whatever other words you can call it, and stumbled on my own words, while trying to explain why that happens.

It wasn't pretty, that's all I've got to say.

Tumor Rumors

2010-01-26T21:01:00.002+08:00

Student A, to a group of people
"If only next semester is a long semester."

Student B, who was from that group of people, to another group of people
"Maybe next semester could be a long semester."

Student C, from the second group of people, to another group of people
"I heard next semester could be a long semester."

Student D, to another group of people
"Eh, next semester is a long semester!"

So, one fine day,

Student E, to me.
"Next semester is a long semester, you know!"

Me
"Awww, no way! I hate long semesters! Really?"

Student E
"Ya! So we have more options for subjects."

--------------------------------------------

"Christabel! Next sem is a long sem is it?"

Chris

"No lah! Who said. Short sem la."

"I don't know. I heard!"

Chris

"No such thing. It's the same as last year."

-----------------------------------------------------

And that, my dear friends, is how a rumor is started.

Ships

2010-01-25T02:19:00.000+08:00

All ships are exhausting. Maintaining, repairing, steering.

Come on, admit it.

Friendships, relationships, heck, even real ships are hard to maintain.

It's just so exhausting, that it comes to a point, you just want to give up, let go, and FTW.

Stupid ships.

I came to a conclusion

2010-01-24T00:40:00.001+08:00

So, something just dawned upon me one night.

There are three categories of people.

Category A: Good as friends, lousy as boyfriends/girlfriends. Which means they're awesome friends, but can't treat their other halves right.

Category B: Good as boyfriends/girlfriends, lousy as friends. Includes forgetting friends after getting other half.

Category C: Lousy as friends AND boyfriends/girlfriends.

I didn't put in Category D: Good as both, simply because I don't think such people exist.

Anyway, it's just something I thought of, and it's not necessarily true.

---------------------------------------------------------------------

Just to put some pictures so my blog doesn't look too boring.

At Fafa's event thingy.

Totalleh not my scene at all. The whole dancing thing? Nah-uh. Won't do.

Camwhoring on the way up to Pallas.

I remember I was super bad mood because I had to study, and I was crying to Sara at how everyone was bullying me. HAHAHAHAHA. This is my after-cry face.

Let me look through my camera and see what other pictures I can post.

*scrolls through pictures*

Ah HAH!

My favourite sister.

Hello everyone, meet my sister, Melanie. And no, she's not my younger sister.

Oh, and this is the Starbucks in JB. YES LA WE HAVE STARBUCKS IN JB ONE OK.

Me and Charlene

Oh, this was in Singapore, when I went to hang out with Charlene, my other best friend. I hate hate hate Singapore (Orchard Rd.) when it's sale/holiday season. The amount of people. I think if a terrorist decides to bomb the place, that would be half of Singapore's population, poof. Just like that.

Okay, that's it for now. I'll save the other random pictures for another time.

Politics

2010-01-21T00:47:00.001+08:00

They have a weird/sinister/cunning way to get to you.

Why did I plague myself with such responsibilities and sufferings?

On a happier note, I went to Czip Lee today to look for a notebook for this semester's lectures (a proper one since my current one is so super small it can't even fit my handwriting), and guess what!

I've got loot.

Though it wasn't really what I was looking for, but that's really not the point, is it?

I bought a test-pad looking thing. The best part about it is, it's not boring white. It's pink! Yay me!

I also bought an ink refill. AndIalsoboughtaScotchdonutMagicTapedispenser *coughcoughcough*

No prize for guessing what color it is.

I was so happy with my purchases today, I almost forgot the state of hunger I was in. Until I walked out of that cursed stationery shop and smelled Maggi Goreng from that Nirwana mamak.

I swear, Czip Lee is a place with loads of evil. I'm such a sucker for stationery. I was so happy when I got a deck of Post-it Notes for Christmas a year ago.

So now, I'm just staring at my ScotchdonutMagicTapedispenser and thinking of what stuff needs some Scotch-tape mending. :D :D :D

I know I didn't need it, but it was pretty so shut up.

When the year starts with negativity

2010-01-17T01:48:00.000+08:00

When a passing of someone close happens to someone else, I always end up picturing myself in that situation.

How would I be if I lost someone close to me? I'd probably be inconsolable.

I don't know man. I hope it never has to happen to me. It makes me want to cry just thinking about it.

My thoughts go out to the family of the deceased.

Suddenly, I can't wait

2010-01-14T13:41:00.000+08:00

for Halloween.

I forgot, that I would have graduated by then. But damn, if there was a Halloween party to go to, I wanna come as Wenda from Where's Waldo!

That would be too cute!

It was an epiphany that came when I saw that pic while browsing Lookbook. Ehehehe.

Now I can't wait for Halloween. :D

Ne Yo

2010-01-12T22:55:00.001+08:00

One fine afternoon, my phone rang.

The beloved Jess called to give me freeeeee Ne Yo tickets, courtesy of Friendster.

'Twas an awesome night, though it was a little far, but I had fun with my ultimate concert buddy, Sara!

Didn't take much pictures, because I was busy rocking out.

Kinda regret not documenting the part where he took out his shirt, revealing his sexy arms. Yummy.

The after-concert look. Hair looking sweaty and gross.

Looks like it's time to do my hair.

Oh, oh. He brought his hot protege, but her singing was kinda off. Zhao Yam a few times. Haha.

But she's super hot.

---------------------------------------------------

Anyways, how's the New Year treating everyone so far? I haven't wished my readers (if any) Happy New Year yet.

This was how I spent my New Year's.

Though it was absolutely Legend......

Wait for it...

...Dary! :]

Fatty Ooi.

I hate today

2010-01-11T12:41:00.001+08:00

It's the ultimate sad day today.

Think I'm just going to stay at home and mope.

The starting of a new sem also means...

2010-01-05T18:52:00.000+08:00

... the long-winded rants of a frustrated student.

This is supposedly my final semester for subjects.

As in the book study kinda subjects, and I'm done with exams forever and ever unless I decide to plague myself with studying again in another 5 years for my masters, which is probably something that's too soon to think about now.

That was quite a mouthful.

Anyway, back to what I was complaining about. Like I said, this is supposed to be my final semester. I have 4 electives to clear, meaning I can pick any four subjects to take.

Good right?

Well, good for me if they are offering subjects I can take.

HOW AM I GOING TO PICK WHICH SUBJECTS TO TAKE WHEN THEY DON'T EVEN OFFER THEM? MOST OF THE SUBJECTS OFFERED, I'VE ALREADY DONE.

So annoying. Stupid university. Don't ever come to HELP if you had a choice.

At least not for the B.Comm programme.

I think they like to delay our graduation so they can earn more money from us.

I don't know how. Maybe they had a deal with those printing people opposite our uni.

I'm just saying.

Ugh. I'm thinking like taking what's offered this sem, then while I'm doing my thesis the following sem, I'll just take up another 1 or 2 subjects to clear my electives.

Decisions, decisions.

Darn, I hate it when I have to take classes alone.

At the IPRM Office

2010-01-04T16:22:00.000+08:00

Charissa: *dials number*

-ring tone-

Company operator: Machine voice - Hello, you have reached ABC Company. Please name the person you wish to speak to.

Charissa: Corporate Communications Department

Company operator: Machine voice - Accounts department. Please hold on.

Charissa: Shit. *hangs up*

-redial + ring tone-

Company operator: Machine voice - Hello, you have reached ABC Company. Please name the person you wish to speak to.

Charissa: Public Relations. (Explanation: I didn't have the exact person I needed to speak to, so I had to contact the PR department of the company)

Company operator: Machine voice - I'm sorry. I don't get you. Can you please repeat the name?

Charissa: Puh-bliiiic-Reee-lay-shuns.

Company operator: Machine voice - I'm sorry, I still don't understand. Please hold while I get someone to assist you.

-----------------------------------------------

To cut the long story short, they had no PR department or anything related to it. For the past 5 minutes, I was speaking to a machine, until I got a real operator, who didn't understand who I wanted to speak to.

Stupid machine.

-----------------------------------------------

Blog hits are dropping. Guess I'm not that interesting anymore? Or maybe because of my lack of updates for so long.

New Year Cliche

2010-01-04T01:40:00.000+08:00

I realized that in the past years, since I started blogging, I've taken part in the annual New Year's Cliche by setting resolutions.

But I've come to realize now that resolutions are merely short time goals made to make ourselves feel better and think that we have a direction to head.

They often don't materialize.

I told myself not to talk about the new year, why am I doing it now! I find myself sucked into this silly fad, reflecting on regrettable past decisions and resolving to meet an unattainable goal. What's the point? Reflection should be done on a regular basis (like how I do it coughcoughcough).

Ok, whatevs. Let's get down to the Il Nana (and hop on that crowded bandwagon).

I guess there's nothing to complain about 2009. Everything has been pretty smooth for me. Things seem to work out by itself with a little hard nudge on my part to make it work the way it is.

What what! I fight hard for what I want okay!

I seem to have a lot of 'okays' in my sentences.

I ended my 2009 with a rush of adrenaline and the thrill that kept me going in Form 3. Albeit the small kantoi part *coughcough*, it was all still good. I feel like a kid again. It's refreshing.

I've also learned to be that much more selfless in everything, be it in friendships, relationships or in thoughts.

2010 is gonna be just fine. :] I'm striving to be better. A better person, a better life, a better mind, a better character.

Then again, that has always been my constant strive.

New semester, new rush of assignments, new responsibilities.

When will this ever end?!

Because money has wings that fly...

2009-12-24T02:53:00.000+08:00

... away from your wallet.

And we normally feel it the most when it comes to the season of giving.

I just did my budgeting for this month/season. And I'm barely left with any scraps of cash.

I'm so sorry if I turn into a scrooge next moth. Need to recuperate after losses incurred in current month of giving.

I'm not complaining. I love giving gifts! :D Wrapping presents and making them pretty are my passion.

But it also damages my wallet. So my presents are not wrapped as nicely as I wish they'd be. SIGH.

It's nice to give gifts, and see the faces light up when they receive them. Rewarding :)

How can I be barely surviving?! OMG, I'm so thankful now that I decided to take up the part time job last month man. If not I'd be doomed.

The year end is a bitter sweet experience. :) Love it.

Like how I love them bitter sweet durians.

God, I miss durians.

Isaac Mizrahi

2009-12-22T00:52:00.000+08:00

Recently I've lost the mood or the passion to blog about fashion. I don't know why, I don't even visit lookbook much anymore. It just seems like I've lost interest in the whole industry.

Today, out of boredom, I visited Style.com again, and I found love again.

Love in the form of Isaac Mizrahi.

Love the hat and the briefcase. It's so sophisticated and chic.

Polka dotted sheer white blouse with gorgeous bow and high-waisted sparkly looking shorts. SO gorgeous!

I've found back my love for elegance and sophistication.

And is that a buggy I see in the background? Did I ever mention that I want to hijack a buggy from Bangsar Village and drive it around the carpark, just for fun?

Did I also ever mention that I want to breathe in some air from a helium balloon and talk?

That's my Christmas wishlist :]

I know that was totally a digression and random. But oh well.

Christmas is coming!

2009-12-21T18:17:00.000+08:00

It's four days away from Christmas!

My family is going to be doing a cookout for dinner.

CAN'T WAIT! What should we cook? Pasta? Salad? Chops? Baked Potatoes?

Meanwhile, my blog is so boring without pictures.

Here's one from our last after-sem celebration at Las Carretas.

Can you believe I'm already going in to the last semester of my life?!

I'm curious. Where did all the time go! I feel so old man. OMG.

I feel like crying

2009-12-17T10:10:00.001+08:00

Everyone knows how I hate my sleep to be disturbed.

Today, at 9.15 in the morning, the contractors my neighbor hired decided to go on a drilling spree.

May I add that I am currently having my holidays and 9.15am is an ungodly hour?

Also, did I already mention that it is 9.15 AM?

Oh my godddd. You have no idea how annoying that drilling sound is. I, in my current angry but drowsy stupor, feel like storming over next door, look for the dude who did it and sucker punch that asswipe right in the face.

I sound surprisingly calm for an angry person, don't I?

Let me give you a scenario.

Picture a tsunami at its early stages.

Picture a tsunami during its attack.

Picture a tsunami AFTER the attack.

I, my dear readers, ladies and gentlemen, am that tsunami (NO NOT THAT GUY IN THE PICTURE).

And I'm this close to attacking. Rawr. :]

Credits to the owners for pictures via google images.

Knowing the answer

2009-12-17T03:04:00.003+08:00

Knowing the answer is one thing.

Executing it is another thing.

Where art thou, O solace, when I seek thee so?

I'm not a person who needs figuring out. I don't want to be figured out. I just want to be understood.

Oh, JB-land

2009-12-14T23:16:00.000+08:00

When I'm back here in JB, it seems like another world.

I forget about the people in KL, the life, the worries, the joys.

It's like I'm living another life when I return here. The people are so different, the people I hang out with are different, we have different priorities, different thinking.

Makes me wonder, which one am I?

How can I gel so well with so many different groups of people, who have completely different thinking? I think I act differently when I'm with different groups of people. When I'm with certain groups of people, certain traits manifests itself and become more prominent.

I don't think I'm faking it, I guess it's just different sides of me that I choose to show with different people.

When I'm in JB, everything just seems so different. Simpler. People don't judge you as much. I don't get laughed at and I can't make fun of people.

Sometimes, I prefer the simpler life, the comforts of my home, the comforting thought of always coming back to a family who smile when they see you.

In KL, life just seems so lonely, even with friends. I come back to an empty house, with my only companion, Kiara, to greet me with her enthusiastic tail-wagging and jumps. Sometimes, I prefer the quiet, empty house.

Other times, I prefer to come home to the warmth of a family.

But don't make me choose. I know I can't.

Embracing the end of another chapter

2009-12-09T00:36:00.000+08:00

I pulled myself away from my life at the moment and looked at it from a third person point of view, and I am struck with a myriad of emotions.

In about a month's time, I will be in my final semester. In less than half a year, I will never have to study for exams again (unless I choose to walk the path of becoming Master Charissa hehe).

In less than half a year, the sinister members of the rat-race will welcome me into their world, happy with the fresh meat that they have to devour.

In less than half a year, I will grow a pair of horns so green and make sure I tell myself to be careful of my surroundings.

All that in less than half a year, and I still have no idea which life path I'd like to take.

How will I know the industry I'd like to venture into when I don't know where my interests lie?

Tonight, as I detached myself from my life, I thought hard and I couldn't figure out what I like anymore. The things I used to take interest in, the things I used to spend so much time reading up on; I don't do anymore. The things I used to enjoy doing, I've developed a certain apathy to it.

They say the good is the enemy of the best; I'd say apathy is the enemy of an individual.

If we all develop that apathy towards everything around us, what else is there in life that would keep us happy?

I've been so apathetic about everything, that it scares even myself. My studies, relationships with people, my interests, my future. It's weird how I used to be so anxious over everything, but now, I am just so tired and exhausted from worrying about everything and how everything is going to go in my life; working so hard to keep things together, making sure that everything goes according to my plans; I am so exhausted, that I develop this indifference and let everything be.

If I'm living life to the fullest, why do I return home everyday feeling like the energy and life has just sapped out of me?

Why do I look forward to returning home after meeting up with people and going out to see the world? Why does curling up in bed with a nice DVD movie to watch sound so appealing to me when there is so much more out there for me to see?

I just come home everyday feeling tired, moodless and relieved.

At the same time, how can the same DVD-loving, blanket-warming, I-prefer-to-stay-at-home girl look forward to simple walks in the park, happy kite-flying trips, live jazz music and chill-out drinks? If I say I prefer staying at home, then why do I enjoy going out; then while I'm out, look forward to going home? I don't get it.

Who am I anymore, man?

I don't know where this post is headed, but I guess I just needed to clear my mind for a while before I go back to my books.

Productivity and Costs are linear equations

2009-12-07T17:27:00.000+08:00

Today, I walked into Czip Lee after a productive two-hour session of studying in Starbucks.

I walked in telling myself to only look at whatever new stationery they brought in and to see if I needed anything for my coming exams.

45 minutes later, like a hero, I walked out of Czip Lee with a bag of pastel pink, blue and green color paper clips, feeling like I've made myself happy and that my productivity was worth it.

Now, snapped back to sobriety, I'm thinking what I can do with my new pink paper clips while it sits on my desk waiting to be put to work.

I admit, it was because I was drawn to the pink paper clips that I bought them.

It wasn't only the paper clips. I saw this pink Dymo caption maker, and a pink calculator.

It's alllll about the control *Inhales and Exhales*

Why do they make these things?

There's actually a dozen of them

2009-12-06T15:00:00.000+08:00

I'm back from Cameron's! :D

Pretty pink roses are the love.

Although I still love sunflowers more.

They look pretty with all my other pink stuff. Fitting in nicely. :]

More pictures soon.

To be loved or to be feared?

2009-11-29T19:59:00.001+08:00

"Here a question arises: whether it is better to be loved than feared, or the reverse. The answer of course, that it is best to be both. But since the two rarely come together, anyone compelled to choose will find greater securty in being feared than in being loved…. Men are less concerned about offending someone they have cause to love than someone they have cause to fear. Love endures by a bond which men, being scoundrels, may break whenever it serves their advantage to do so; but fear is supported by the dread of pain, which is ever present."

Taken from Nicolo Machiavelli's The Prince via quaintly.net

The Constant Strive

2009-11-24T22:37:00.001+08:00

How do I even begin?

Yet again, I have so much thoughts swimming around in my head, like anti-gravity, trying to find its footing in form of words out onto a blank canvas waiting to be filled. I am smacked with this perpetual struggle to articulate and organize my thoughts that it can sometimes be somewhat frustrating.

Frustrating as it may get, time and again I find myself staring at the dull white of blogger's posting page, attempting for the millionth time to verbalize my thoughts.

I'm no writer; I can't produce a single article immediately if you gave me a topic; but I'm a thinker. I think too much, in fact, that close friends tell me I complicate my own life by doing that. Sometimes, thinking too much can be a bad thing; but most of the times, thinking helps us to grow; doesn't it? And isn't growing what we are all essentially called to do as human beings?

I'm a bitter person; I don't deny that. Each time I evaluate myself, I find more issues about myself which I face that stunts my growth as a person. I'm so painfully self-aware of my character flaws - things which I will not mention here - that it angers me just by thinking about it.

As a person, my personal calling, my basic human instincts, compel me to change and fight this uphill battle to be a better person. A person who exudes such effortless positivity that grey clouds disappear and birds start to chirp in my presence. But where do I start? I have so many areas to better myself.

I guess I could start by just letting go of the anger I bottled up inside me these years against certain people/things/circumstances/decisions.

To end another self-reflection post, I want to quote from an insightful book by my favourite author, Mitch Albom, which I will use as a personal reminder not to bear grudges against the people around me. All these in the name of change, hehe.

"Holding anger is poison. It eats you from the inside. We think that hating is a weapon that attacks the person who harmed us. But hatred is a curved blade. And the harm we do, we do to ourselves." - Taken from the Five People You Meet in Heaven.

Out with the anger and in with the love, yo!

"Love, like rain, can nourish from above, drenching couples with a soaking joy. But sometimes, under the angry heat of life, love dries on the surface and must nourish from below, tending to its roots, keeping itself alive."

Just like anger, hatred and selfishness is the root of all things evil in life, love is the basis, the core, the fundamental source of all things good, positive and happy.

Till next time! :]

10 Things I Hate About You

2009-11-24T01:14:00.001+08:00

I hate the way you talk to me

And the way you cut your hair.

I hate the way you drive my car.

I hate it when you stare.

I hate your big dumb combat boots

And the way you read my mind.

I hate you so much it makes me sick.

It even makes me rhyme.

I hate the way you're always right.

I hate it when you lie.

I hate it when you make me laugh;

Even worse when you make me cry.

I hate it when you're not around

And the fact that you didn't call,

But mostly I hate the way I don't hate you;

Not even close;

Not even a little bit;

Not even at all.

Reflective Sundays

2009-11-16T03:36:00.001+08:00

There goes another Sunday, another weekend.

Time seems to be passing by so fast, it's already mid-November!

I don't know about all of you out there, but there's this thing about Sundays that give me this warm fuzzy feeling inside. Especially at night.

Sundays, are days for you to recharge, to savour life. It is during Sundays, that I feel there is a chance for me to reflect and think. Me, a journal, slow reflective music and whatever positivity left in my mind.

Watched my life pass me by in the rear view mirror,

Pictures frozen in time are becoming clearer

I don't wanna waste another day stuck in the shadow of my mistakes

I think of all the fun times I had with all my loved ones, and I mock myself for all the times I wished I didn't exist, the times I argued with my friends how nonexistence is better than existence.

I'm only 21, and I have memories I want to keep that an album with a page as wide as the universe can't possibly fill.

I dream of a day, when I'm old and grey, sitting down with my grandchildren with a cup of hot cocoa on a rainy night, in the living room, me on my comfortable chair, relating and telling them of all the wonderful memories I've experienced during the prime of my life. And when my story-telling hour is over, I will sit and stare out the window, listening to the soft pitter patter of the rain landing on the glass, and smile to myself; thinking of the times I laughed so hard till my stomach hurts, while my grandchildren scoot up the stairs in an animated and excited chatter.

Better, if it is during the Christmas season. I can picture the Christmas tree next to my chair. And I can picture a fireplace. Which, of course, is something I wouldn't need if I'm living in Malaysia.

Such happiness. I don't know how I could have ever been willing to trade anything like that for nonexistence.

Won't it be so awesome if it really happens? It is the kind of bliss, the kind of contentment which I think I will never be able to find with this negative mindset I have right now.

That's the ideal setting when I'm old. But looking at me now, I fear that I will be this old, bitter, menacing, haggard woman, waving my walking stick in the air, with a scowl on my face, at every kid at my door trying to sell me some girl-scout cookies.

Also, I think I watch too much TV.

Picture taken from cocoaloco's Flickr via Mary Ruffle.

Of Happiness and Thoughts

2009-11-12T00:18:00.003+08:00

A lecturer once asked my class:
“Where is the world headed? What does the upcoming generation want? Ultimately, you guys are our upcoming generation. What do you want?”

That was in one of our marketing class.

In an interview, a lady once said:
“You guys are the hardest group to reach, you know that?”

This got me thinking. What do I want? Put myself in the shoes of a consumer, what is it that I am seeking in a product or a service?

I tried to get to the root of this, and I thought, there is a reason why our generation – and the upcoming ones – are called the "i-generation". We seek to please ourselves. In a warped yet real way, we are all self-seeking, self-centered, and selfish.

But the real question to this is why. Why are we selfish? Why do we put ourselves first? Why do we seek to please ourselves? Is it really human nature to be selfish or is there a reason why we are brought up that way?

I wonder if the way everything is marketed through the media has a part in this.

That’s one argument. My argument, however, is simple: we’re merely looking for things that will keep us happy. The ultimate reason for selfishness is because we all want to be happy. Deep down inside, we want to feed our constantly-dropping happy meter.

So, I ask myself this: Am I happy?

If not, am I going through selfish means to make myself happy?

I’ve lost my train of thought.

Is happiness that hard to find, or is it already there; but we’re not contented and attempt to make ourselves happier than we already are?

Ok, I’m confusing myself because my train of thought is lost.

I’ll just keep this for another day.

On another note: Why is it we put up with the things we shouldn't put up with, even when it annoys us to no end? Maybe we're just masochistic in nature. Why put up with things, when we can just walk away and be happy?

Just Because

2009-11-02T02:18:00.001+08:00

Today, is a beautiful day.

And I wish days and nights like this would last forever.

Sometimes, when I'm alone at night and I'm listening to beautiful songs, I reflect on the day's worth of events, and I evaluate the good and the bad. I try to throw out the bad and focus on the good that came my way.

Today, my life is skewed toward the good side in proportions that you cannot imagine.

And yes, this is despite the fact that my phone decided to turn against me and go amok.

I refuse to sleep even though I am so incredibly tired (I slept for only 4 hours because I was so smart to tweak the time of the clock. DON'T ASK WHY.) because tomorrow might not be the same anymore.

Let me just bask in this moment for a bit.

---------------------------------

Okay, on a totally random note:

This is me thinking aloud here. I'm thinking of cooking curry this Tuesday, since I have a pack of santan left. I can cook that in big proportions, and that will be my lunch and dinner for the rest of the week.

Rendang or curry? Beef or chicken? Mmmm, definitely with potatoes. Where can I be a cheapo and pluck curry leaves for free?

I also have a pack of sour cream, after the cookout Raymond and I did, so maybe sometime the following week, I'd do a sour cream mash with bacon bits, and loads of cheese? I'll make sure some parts of potato skin gets into the mash this time. I love potato skin. They're so yummy.

Anyhoo, this was the product of our cookout. Grilled Honey Garlic Pork Chop with Cheesy Mashed Potatoes topped with black pepper sauce and a scoop of sour cream on the side to our taste.

I have learned, grilling pork (or at least pan frying it) is no easy feat man! A little too long, and you get tasteless, dry and hard pork. Too quick, and you get ~~swine flu~~ ~~J.E~~. an upset stomach.

Ours, because we were determined not to get diarrhea on our first cookout, was a little overcooked, so it was kinda dry.

The sauce and the mash were AWESOME though. Raymond's-dad-was-bread-dipping kinda awesome. /smug.

I will perfect pork grilling one day. I'm determined.

'Twas fun. Not sure if he's gonna want to go through the hassle of cleaning up again though, but for me, cooking is always fun, no matter how tedious the clean up is.

And no, honey, you will not use this statement against me to make me do the cleaning. :]

Till next time!